Protect me from what I want

2012-01-15T22:20:00.002+08:00

I started 2011 losing my beloved grandfather and ended 2011 losing what I thought was the love of my life.

But I thank God for being with me through it all. He allowed things to happen so I could go back to Him. My heart still hurts but I'm recovering. I still think about him all the time but I know what God is going to give me will be a hundred times better. Sometimes our plans don't work out because God has better plans for us.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." This prayer he always recited casually ended up being my source of support. I still miss him and wish he is still by my side, but things happen and we don't always get what we want. I'm still learning to let go, slowly but surely. I know one day I'll look back and not feel pain or bitterness anymore.

The 2 years we had together wasn't the most perfect, but I loved you with all my heart and I never regretted a second of it. Thank you for the memories and I hope you'll be happy wherever you may be.

2011-01-08T23:51:00.003+08:00

4 more minutes till end of today. Today, 8 Jan 2011, is a life-changing day for me. It's the day I lost my Ye Ye.. and the fact that I didn't get to see him for one last time kills me.

The past two days he was already drifting in and out of consciousness. He didn't eat, didn't move, just slept and slept and slept. When Ma Ma told him that we were going to visit, he responded.. He nodded his head and said okay. The news of us visiting was like a relief for him, like he could finally leave the world in peace, so he slept into eternity. I thank God though, he died a peaceful death with no pain or suffering. It's just the thought of my Ma Ma being alone without him saddens me. They've never been apart from each other. They're like the perfect couple. They hold each other's hands and go everywhere. To the market, to exercise, to travel the world.. I love them so much. Also the thought of losing him never occurred to me, I just thought he'd live forever. He was so healthy and well.

The way I remember him best, is him writing at the table with the Bible and his book. He just kept writing, then he'd fall asleep at the table with his brows furrowed. Or he'll be sitting in front of the TV watching the news and just fall asleep. Then when mom cleaned out the sofa, there'd be dozens of toothpicks beneath the seats. He also used to make Chinese pancakes, which I love. I'd always pester him to make for me. And he'd always nag at me to take my studies seriously, ask me to sit down beside him, hold my hand and tell me to study hard. How he stopped Jeremy and I from fighting; he stood in the middle that time I was gonna throw the swivel chair at Jeremy. So many memories of him...

I know he's in Heaven now, for sure. Safe and happy and rested. I'll see you soon Ye Ye. I miss you so much.

2011-01-04T00:44:00.002+08:00

I failed, again... But I'm going to stop beating myself up. I won't let this evil cycle continue. It's gonna end here. Right now. Today. All this self-loathing crap is gonna go. I have been letting myself go for way too long and this time I'm really gonna do something about it. DISCIPLINE!! Okay. I'm done for tonight.

2010-12-19T01:16:00.003+08:00

Kai just approached me to work with him at APS as an outdoor programmer/ instructor and I rejected him right after hearing the terms and co, stay in campus Mon to Fri. The whole idea of a long term arrangement like that irks me, having no freedom to do what I want, meet people I love. Very hermit-like, and I can't stand the idea of being away from Leonad so often and so much, it'd be like I'm serving the army instead of him hahaha!! And today I went for a job interview, very long working hours, the pay is pretty low with no CPF, very few benefits so to speak. I told the bosses I'll consider and get back to them but I know I won't take the job.

I feel like I'm already facing mid life crisis. Generally feeling very lost. We have all these dreams and things we want to achieve but I'm not doing my part to achieve them (yet, because I really don't know how to). I'm too passive. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is proven right in my case. I should be made an example, a case study of some sort. The very core of my being is damaged and I want it fixed.

2010-12-13T01:07:00.002+08:00

It's always when we're about to lose something that we learn to hold on to it tightly. I hold onto you so tightly because I always feel you slipping away, even the slightest bit affects my core. Today's fight did us some good and I'm glad we did cos I feel you caring again. Sometimes I wish I was cold and hard but love is too great to be thrown away like that. As cliche as it may sound, love does endure all. The days ahead may be tough but I hope we pull through together. I keep telling myself not to think about what's gonna happen to us if you leave for Australia and just be happy right now, this very moment. You're always my home baby, always.

2010-12-08T23:35:00.002+08:00

You know, sometimes we think people are selfish when it's really us who are selfish. I just wanted to be happy, so when you got annoyed/pissed/ were complaining, I got upset. I was thinking to myself "I was happy the whole of today why can't it end this way too?" then I started to blame you for making me upset, for not understanding. Then after we fought, I realize you're not wrong... I'm the one who's wrong, the one who's selfish. I'm sorry... I really am. For not understanding your discomfort, for not doing anything at all to make you feel better, instead I just sit there and cry like a stupid kid who doesn't get what she wants. I just wanted your affection but I didn't give you any. I'm sorry Leonad. I love you.

2010-12-07T01:23:00.002+08:00

Wanted to write about my birthday but it was too ordinary an affair. I guess I'm not the kind who likes to be thrust into spotlight, so I haven't really done birthday parties since my 10th birthday? And that party was so full of fail: McDonald's party shared with my brother, some missing teeth, straight one length bob with a centre parting. Omg FAIL but I think I might have a birthday party next year since well, I'm turning 21! Let's just hope 2011 would be more than kind to me, I'm hoping for some radical changes!!

I love Decembers. They're always awesome. School holidays. My birthday. Christmas. Counting down to the New Year.